Tuesday, May 8, 2012


We've had some turmoil here in the last few days - among some kids in high school, acting out, making bad decisions and etc.  It's made me think back to when I was a freshman, stuggling with finding out who I was, trying to find acceptance among my peers, and ultimately failing at both of them. I was a chunky girl and I didn't have many friends. No one close enough to confide in, anyway. I wanted to fit in somewhere, anywhere. I wanted to run with the popular kids, I wanted to be pretty and liked by boys, and I just couldn't. I was too awkward. I didn't like who I was so I wanted to be like someone else...the pretty, thin girls who had boyfriends. I got made fun of alot. I was made fun of for being heavy. I was made fun of for following around the popular girls and then eventually I was just made fun of for the sake of being made fun of. I was weak and an easy target for those people who needed to feel superior by pushing me down all the time...not physically, but emotionally. Practial jokes and pranks followed as my year went on, but then the upper classmen wanted in on the "fun"...and it got alot worse.  I don't want to go into detail about what I had intended to do to myself that year, but I've been thinking back to that time alot these past few days when I wonder why these kids act the way they do.  Is what they're doing a cry for help?  Similar to my own?  Granted, it's not the same deal or situation, but the feeling of isolation, despair, misguided and lost - they're the same.

There was a particular Senior girl who out of the blue walked up to me and said, "Lets get some icecream after school today." It was one of those moments when even though she was standing right in front of me, staring me in the eye I still looked over my shoulder to be sure she was talking to me and not somebody else.  I believe, still to this day God intervened and sent her to me. Sara saved my life that day.  I was in so much pain.  I wanted all those who ever hurt me to know that what they did to me, all their ugly and menacing actions towards me pushed me to death.  I wanted them to have to live with the guilt for the rest of their lives. I'm not kidding - that was my frame of mind.  Stupid, selfish, tormented.  Is that what these kids are feeling?  They might not be throwing their lives in front of a semi, but they're wanting to throw it away all for what?  Revenge and a quick escape.

Sara, my angel, said there would come times in my life that would define who I was and give me a brief look at the person I was to become. She said if treated those around me the way I wanted to be treated I would never be alone or left without. She said God wasn't finished with me...that I was to become something greater than I ever imagined I'd be and to just have faith and give Him some time to work. How she knew that I needed to hear that, outloud, on that particular day I can only give credit to God because thats really the only logical explanation for it. I think about Sara every day. My life from that moment on was took some work and 're-wiring' of the brain, but every year of high school got better than the last. I created my own version of popular. The kind where it was cool to embrace those who were struggling just as I had been, needing a safe group of people to surround themselves with until they found who they were. I was my own version of what Sara had been to me. I wish I could reach out to those kids now who are going through all that torment and pain...I wish I could reach out and let them know what I've come to realize over the past 20 years since that day.  I learned that the most heavily trodded path most generally led to becoming like those ugly people. I learned to want my own path, make my own friends along the way, set my own rules, to let go and let God lead.

Sara was right. She was right about everything...I'm a wife, a mother, I'm making a place and a name for myself as a professional photographer, and I'm more greater than I ever thought I would be 20 years ago.  I need to keep that in mind, still, even now when I feel down and depressed about how little everyday things...the things that overwhelm me like laundry and dishes, the work of being a wife and a mom consume my every waking thought. Where am I going to be 20 years from now?   It's a good question.  I'm still walking my own God given path, making my own rules as I go. Sure, it's alittle scary, and sometimes there's going to be pot holes and bumps along the way, but Gods still not done with me... God's still not done with those kids either.   I pray for them...that they can find the light.  I pray that God will send them a Sara, a lifeline, a second chance to be more than what they are and become better because of it.

No comments: