Friday, December 30, 2011

Resolution Time

Resolution #256 - To not be glued to the computer all day and to actually try and get something productive done.  Laundry Day.  Not only are we in a severe underwear crisis, but we are leaving town for the weekend and I prefer to pack clean clothes.  My washer and dryer are downstairs and it's a real motivation buster.  Hauling 40lb baskets down (without falling), hauling 40lb baskets back up (without tripping).  I'm sure it is some form of exercise, which leads me to the fact I should be doing that more. 

Resolution #257 - Exercise.

Resolution #258 - Smile. This is a hard one, but I will be triumphant. I have bad teeth. I hate smiling - HATE IT!  Well, that's not entirely true... I love to smile, I love to laugh, but I hate my teeth.  They are the one thing I would love to change about myself, I mean REALLY, really change.  Five years ago, it would have been a matter of it's a health matter.  Constant headaches...constant pain and sensitivity. I have no insurance, medical or dental.  There's nothing I can do about this myself.  Right now, I can't eat - nothing healthy anyway - great excuse, right?  Never knew how much I would miss cold, crisp lettuce.  My diet consists of muffins, twinkies and room temperature water.  I do have a plan now though thanks to one of God's many, many Angels on Earth.  You know who you are if you're reading this...I can't begin to express what your encouragement and help with all this means to me. I love you, my friend.  So...

Resolution #259 - Begin quest to find a dentist. ugh. They scare the shit out of me....hence the bad rotting teeth.  I need to be sedated or heavily drugged.  I need to find one who is skilled and will be able to work with me finacially.  Did you know, out of all medical professionals, the field of dentistry has the highest rate of suicides?  I didn't either.  Not the most reassurring fun fact, so I need to find one who is mentally stable.

Resolution #260 - Quit smoking. This one makes the list every year.  Maybe 2012 will be my lucky year to just up and quit, cold turkey.  I will try.  For my kids, I will try.

Resolutio #261 - To take myself more seriously as a photographer.  I know I have a knack and an eye for the art, but the one thing that always makes me second guess myself as a professional is the fact that I didn't go to school for this, I don't have a fancy $5000 camera, I just have my love for it.  That should be enough, so I'm going to start remembering that on a daily basis.

Resolution #262 - Keep blogging. I will. Can't promise it will be every day, can't promise I will have anything brilliant or useful for whoever decides to read anything I write in the future, but I can promise to try.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Ahead of Schedule - Please Read First

I have been told a thousand times to start a blog and I had thought about it a few times, but just never really sat down and made time to create one.  I made it a New Years resolution, and since it is December 29th, 2011 I am ahead of schedule for maybe the 3rd time in my soon-to-be 35 years.

I have the most random stuff go through my head on a daily basis.  Sometimes they are sentimental, sometimes they are crazy, sometimes they are just flat out crude and unlady like, but I've been told that mostly they are just funny.  The title for example.  I had NO idea what to use as a headline, so I just went with where I was at the moment I made the decision to create a blog today.  Yes.  I was on the toilet.  It really is a place of solitude.  A place where I am left alone with my thoughts.  It is a place where sometimes I am left without any toilet paper...and then I'm there for a very long time with my thoughts.  One can quite literally become attached to the toilet seat.

My family.  It would take this entire day if I started at the beginning of this life I have, so I will start with the basics being that this is my first ever blog post.  I am 34 years old (6 days away from turning 35), I am married to my best friend and have been for 12 years.  Shawn and I are approaching lucky number 13 in March.  We have 3 children: Madison (11), John (9) and Haidyn (2).  I am first and foremost a stay at home mom and wife, those are my main jobs but to contribute to our bank account I sell my body on the corner 27th and N Street.  No.  I am totally kidding.  I am a professional outdoor, portrait photographer.  I work in sync with the Spring, Summer, and Fall seasons.  In other words, I'm currently self-unemployed.  I don't mind that.  We will struggle these next few months without the extra cash, but we will survive.  We always have and we always will because I get my funk on with Jesus on a daily basis.  I know He provides for us when things get tight, so why sweat the small stuff.

Why is our normal everyone else's abnormal?  That's a good question.  Main reason why is Madison, our 11 year old miracle baby.  At the moment of her birth, we had no idea of what our life was going to consist of.  We just knew we created the most beautiful, perfect, angelic, Gerber Baby material little girl.  Life was good.  And then it got complicated.  I can't remember exactly when I was told how she was delivered or rather the state of her delivery.  I delivered by cesarean after about 18 hours of solid contractions, come and go contractions, pitocin, harder contractions, drugs, a near death experience, and then ultimately a c-section.  So I don't know if it was a day or two later or a week later that we were told that her umbilical cord wasn't just wrapped around her neck, it was also tied in a knot.  How long that knot had been there? I don't know.  Nobody knew.  Sonograms weren't as advanced 11 years ago as they are now.  What did all that mean?  I didn't know.  I should say I didn't know THEN.  I was a first time mom, and instead of trusting my gut for the first six months of her life I did what everyone told me I needed to do.  Use this formula. Use that bottle.  Don't worry that she spits up alot, all babies project across the room.  Get her immunized.  Don't worry that she's taking her time reaching this milestone or that milestone.  Don't worry that she's not walking.  Don't worry that she's not talking.  She was 18 month old when I started taking all the "don't worry" words of advice and flushed them down the toilet.  I'm the mama.  We're going to do this my way from now on.  My child was not normal and I knew it.  So we set out to be the best abnormal family we could be.  And that is how our life is - abnormal - and I love it. 

Every so often my mind involuntarily travels to a place where I try to imagine what things would have been like, what things would be like NOW if circumstances were different.  Would we be the people or the parents we are now?  I have a God-daughter and a nephew the same age as Madison and honestly it is VERY hard to imagine her like them, doing the things they do, speaking the way they speak, learning, advancing, developing at a faster (normal) rate.  Someone once asked me if I could go back and had the chance to change any one thing, had the Godly power to heal my daughter from the very beginning...would I?   My answer was quick and short.  "No."    I can get chastized for saying that.  Perhaps being thought of as a bad mother for not wanting to give my kid an easy life, grow up, get married, have babies, but I'm not the one in control of that.  God is.  To wish for the chance to change things... that, to me, is like spitting in God's face, saying 'screw you pal, I'm in control now'.  I can't even fathom the thought of doing that.  If God wanted her any different than she is now, He would have made her that way.  He gave us this life for a greater purpose than you or I can see or grasp or understand.  I am NO ONE to complain that it's unfair, whine that it's too hard, be envious of other less abnormal lives, or argue and place blame that something else made her this way.  I have been give an abnormal path with bumps, rocks, curves, potholes with mud, mounds of shit, and sure...we have to watch where we step.  We have to take things slow.  Sometimes we walk through shit.  It happens.  The road leads on.  We have a choice.  We can either stare at the ground, kick at the rocks, file a complaint about the potholes, cuss at the poop we just stepped in and be in an bad mood for the rest of the way... OR! we can look up and appreciate all the beautiful things surrounding the path, splash and play in a puddle, find humor in a pile of poop and be eternally happy and grateful for such a fun ride.  I think it's pretty obvious what we chose.  We are happy people.  LIFE IS AWESOME!

That's all for today.  Maybe I will write more tomorrow.  This IS very therapeutic!  I kinda dig it!